a favorite author

"it is a life lived at attention that i seek, a life in which prayer has woven itself into the very fabric of my days. . ."

"it is our brokenness, perhaps even our willingness to be broken, that holds the key to whatever it is we have to share."

--robert benson, living prayer

deliver me

i have a splitting headache. i suspect much of it has to do with my re-addiction (is that a word?) to diet coke (caffeine) and the fact that i haven't had much today. it may also have to do with the major meltdown wyatt had this afternoon. he cried angrily and loudly, yelled, argued (did i mention the crying?) for what seemed like forever until he just wore himself out and went to sleep. now i'm trying very hard not to gorge myself with the chocolate cake that's in my kitchen.

the things i run to for comfort and rest. . .sheesh.

it all leaves me empty and wanting more.

case of the crazies

i dropped my kindergartener wyatt off at school this morning and watched him walk away into this wide world armed only with his backpack and lunchbox. he looked so small beside all those big kids. i took seth to the doctor for his four year old checkup and physically held him down while the nurse gave him four shots. he screamed and kicked and yelled, "somebody, please help me!" i said good morning to my darling husband who returned home late last night from his third trip in the last four weeks. i took seth to eat at mcdonald's as a treat for making it through a traumatic experience. i took wyatt out for ice cream after i picked him up from school so that we could spend some time together, just the two of us. he's been so angry lately, and i wanted to give him some undivided attention. i took my crazy (literally) dog out to do his business countless times and made sure he had all his little needs met. i talked on the phone to a dear and wise friend for about an hour. i joined facebook and spent an inordinate amount of time holed up in our computer closet editing my profile and asking to be friends with people and checking out other people's facebook pages.

all the while i'm feeling dizzy from weeks of endless activity and lonely from disconnection with friends, with god, with my heart. add to that the sense that something in my interior life is shifting, something good happening that i'd like to explore.

my husband has been looking at me strangely tonight. he knows the signs of when i've had too much to do and too little time and space to be quiet. i get a little crazy. well, crazier than usual.

this is one of those days when the rotation of the earth feels overwhelming.

2 more additions to the previous list. . .

apoplectic
uncanny

some of my favorite words. . .

quotidian
preposterous
tomfoolery
plethora
astonishing
superfluous
queue
ass

guitars and god

my baby turned 4 on Sunday. seth is going to be great at being 4. he is the most generous, open-hearted, intuitive, filled-to-the-brim-with-joy little person i know. he is also capable of wicked temper tantrums. the other day i told him to brush his teeth and go to the potty. pretty basic stuff, right? he threw himself down on the floor and lamented loudly, with tears and gnashing of teeth, "i caaaaaaaaan't!! i'm too tiiiiiiiiiiiiired!" (for the sweet love. . .) he's rather given to extremes, but most days i find that endearing. i love a guy who can own his emotions.

yesterday, he was playing along on his new electric guitar. he stopped for a moment. then he held up his right hand--his strumming hand--looked at it, and said almost reverently, "i feel god in here." intrigued, i asked, "really? what does it feel like?" his response: "i don't know. just feels like god."

love that.

she walks into the room. . .

well, here goes. i'm finally joining the millions of people who journal their thoughts and opinions for all the world to see. (narcissism, anyone?) i hope for this to be my little spot to keep friends and family updated on the life and times of the colliers. i may also submit you to my sometimes coherent musings on the nature of life, God, motherhood, personhood, pleasure, pain, and all that jazz. i need a place to practice my writing because (this may be a surprise to some of you) i have big plans to write the next great american novel. don't hold your breath, though. i'm a little short on time these days. speaking of, i've got to go make sure my children are not dismantling the house.

so, welcome! hope you enjoy your stay and come back soon.