ancient question

"what dwells in your soul this day?"

sadness. i'm grieving the loss of my dog tucker. we had to give him away because of his random acts of aggression; we didn't feel like we could really trust him anymore around our kids or their friends. but i loved him. he was my buddy, my constant shadow, even if--as some of you know all too well--he was needy and neurotic. (but who among us isn't?) he went to new jersey, of all places, to a great cocker spaniel rescue where he will eventually be placed in a good home without small children. i miss him terribly and still can't talk about him without crying.

fear. winn drove away at the ungodly hour of 3:00 a.m. so that he could catch a plane to denver. i tossed and turned until the alarm went off at 6:20. fear had me in a stranglehold; fear that winn would have a car wreck on the way to the airport in atlanta, fear that his plane would crash--again, that fear of unspeakable loss. i was so afraid that it was hard to breathe. i started the day exhausted.

hope. after i dropped seth off at preschool, i came home and sat down at my kitchen table with a cup of hot tea. i did a bit of reading, and then i spent some time in silence with God. i prayed not with words, but with my imagination, which is so much easier for me. i saw the heavy load this fear was, how i was carrying a weight that was two or three times my size, and i knew to set it down. the darkness from it clung to me, though, like a shadowy cloak. it was only when Jesus came and took my hand, pulled me away, that the cloak fell to the ground. the message i heard was simple: this is not who you are. there was a subtle shift in me, and things felt a bit lighter.

quiet. i moved through the rest of my day with a quietness of soul. i had to run a couple of errands after i picked seth up, and as a little treat for him, i drove through "old macdonald's," as he calls it, and got him a happy meal. he got a toy in it that overjoyed him. i said yes to his request to visit petsmart. he and wyatt both love to visit the cats, the gerbils and hamsters, the birds, the fish. oh, there was an adorable kitty there i wish i could have adopted! so precious. i talked on the phone to my soul sister amy walker, who is truly one of the funniest people i know. then seth and i picked wyatt up from school, and after a snack and a little bit of playing, we took a lovely siesta. we woke up refreshed, played some video games together, made supper together, and read together.

love. i talked to winn on the phone tonight just for a couple of minutes; it's so wonderful to hear his voice and heart, especially when he's away. then my baby brother called (he loves it when i call him that. don't you, josh?), and we talked for over two hours. that felt like a gift.

panic. i have a whole new crop of gray hair growing in, and every time i look in the mirror, there's more. 2008 is definitely going to be the year i start coloring my hair.