“Without thy help, we could not face unafraid the year before us."
i love to celebrate. any excuse will do, really. i especially love to celebrate those times that commemorate the end of one season and the start of a new one (birthdays, weddings, etc.), so you’d think ringing in a brand new year would be one of those celebrations that thrill my soul.
you’d think.
as 2008 approached, i noticed that my internal response was not so much joy and anticipation as fear. fear of what this new year would bring, what catastrophes and losses, what disasters would hit unannounced and without proper preparation.
you might know this about me: i am always imagining the worst. i routinely make emergency response plans in my mind, for when a tornado hits (grab the kids and run to the bathtub), for when our home is invaded by thieves or worse (baseball bat by my bed, a big knife in the kitchen, and if need be, secret hideouts), for when a fire breaks out in our home (grab the kids, the dog, the photos, the computer hard drive). the list goes on. this is why i was so excited when my mom and stepdad gave winn a tool for christmas that is made specifically to help a person get out of a car under water (seatbelt cutter and a sharp end to crack glass—all in one handy tool!). winn opened it and was slightly incredulous. when i saw what it was, i literally clapped my hands i was so happy. finally! i’ve worried about that exact scenario since i almost daily drive over at least one of the two bridges in our town. how would i get my kids out of the car if we suddenly careened off the bridge and plummeted into the water? (as anne lamott writes, my mind is "a neighborhood i shouldn't go into alone.")
so a whole year stretching out before me, the unknown future, was causing me some anxiety. some of this fear stems from having had the bottom fall out of my world once. my worst-case scenario did become reality. it was years ago, but i find myself, in some sense, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. and now the stakes are so much higher: i’m married to the love of my life, and i have two of the most precious boys you’ll ever know. so much loss is possible. this world is a minefield, with chaos and pain around every corner.
at its source, my fear is not so unique, though. what i’m ultimately afraid of is that God’s heart toward me is not good, that he doesn’t have my best interest at heart, that i’m totally on my own in this life.
my head knows these fears are not true, but it’s taking a while to trickle down to my heart. it’s also difficult to reconcile that my definitions of “good” and “love” are not necessarily God’s definitions of these words.
so, each new year, each new season, each new relationship even, is an opportunity for me to learn to trust in the Love that is the center of this universe. i can’t spend all of my energy trying to manage and control and prepare and negotiate. well, i could, i guess, but who wants to live like that? i want to live with my hands and arms wide open, with my heart open to life and to God. that is going to require some faith and courage.
i recently read the entry for january 1 in God Calling, a book written by two anonymous women who simply wanted to be known as “two listeners.” the contents are the result of these women devoting time and space to sit and listen to the voice of God’s Spirit a portion of each day for an entire year. what they heard the Spirit say on the first day of that year was this:
“I stand between the years. The Light of My Presence is flung across the year to come—the radiance of the Sun of Righteousness. Backward, over the past year, is My Shadow thrown, hiding trouble and sorrow and disappointment.
Dwell not on the past—only on the present. Only use the past as the trees use My Sunlight to absorb it, to make from it in after days the warming fire-rays. So store only the blessings from Me, the Light of the World. Encourage yourselves by the thought of these.
Bury every fear of the future. . .and let us leave them all, buried, and go forward to a new and risen life.
Remember that you must not see as the world sees. I hold the year in My Hands—in trust for you. But I shall guide you one day at a time.
Leave the rest with Me. You must not anticipate the gift by fears or thoughts of the days ahead.
And for each day I shall supply the wisdom and the strength." --God Calling, ed. by A. J. Russell
i love to celebrate. any excuse will do, really. i especially love to celebrate those times that commemorate the end of one season and the start of a new one (birthdays, weddings, etc.), so you’d think ringing in a brand new year would be one of those celebrations that thrill my soul.
you’d think.
as 2008 approached, i noticed that my internal response was not so much joy and anticipation as fear. fear of what this new year would bring, what catastrophes and losses, what disasters would hit unannounced and without proper preparation.
you might know this about me: i am always imagining the worst. i routinely make emergency response plans in my mind, for when a tornado hits (grab the kids and run to the bathtub), for when our home is invaded by thieves or worse (baseball bat by my bed, a big knife in the kitchen, and if need be, secret hideouts), for when a fire breaks out in our home (grab the kids, the dog, the photos, the computer hard drive). the list goes on. this is why i was so excited when my mom and stepdad gave winn a tool for christmas that is made specifically to help a person get out of a car under water (seatbelt cutter and a sharp end to crack glass—all in one handy tool!). winn opened it and was slightly incredulous. when i saw what it was, i literally clapped my hands i was so happy. finally! i’ve worried about that exact scenario since i almost daily drive over at least one of the two bridges in our town. how would i get my kids out of the car if we suddenly careened off the bridge and plummeted into the water? (as anne lamott writes, my mind is "a neighborhood i shouldn't go into alone.")
so a whole year stretching out before me, the unknown future, was causing me some anxiety. some of this fear stems from having had the bottom fall out of my world once. my worst-case scenario did become reality. it was years ago, but i find myself, in some sense, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. and now the stakes are so much higher: i’m married to the love of my life, and i have two of the most precious boys you’ll ever know. so much loss is possible. this world is a minefield, with chaos and pain around every corner.
at its source, my fear is not so unique, though. what i’m ultimately afraid of is that God’s heart toward me is not good, that he doesn’t have my best interest at heart, that i’m totally on my own in this life.
my head knows these fears are not true, but it’s taking a while to trickle down to my heart. it’s also difficult to reconcile that my definitions of “good” and “love” are not necessarily God’s definitions of these words.
so, each new year, each new season, each new relationship even, is an opportunity for me to learn to trust in the Love that is the center of this universe. i can’t spend all of my energy trying to manage and control and prepare and negotiate. well, i could, i guess, but who wants to live like that? i want to live with my hands and arms wide open, with my heart open to life and to God. that is going to require some faith and courage.
i recently read the entry for january 1 in God Calling, a book written by two anonymous women who simply wanted to be known as “two listeners.” the contents are the result of these women devoting time and space to sit and listen to the voice of God’s Spirit a portion of each day for an entire year. what they heard the Spirit say on the first day of that year was this:
“I stand between the years. The Light of My Presence is flung across the year to come—the radiance of the Sun of Righteousness. Backward, over the past year, is My Shadow thrown, hiding trouble and sorrow and disappointment.
Dwell not on the past—only on the present. Only use the past as the trees use My Sunlight to absorb it, to make from it in after days the warming fire-rays. So store only the blessings from Me, the Light of the World. Encourage yourselves by the thought of these.
Bury every fear of the future. . .and let us leave them all, buried, and go forward to a new and risen life.
Remember that you must not see as the world sees. I hold the year in My Hands—in trust for you. But I shall guide you one day at a time.
Leave the rest with Me. You must not anticipate the gift by fears or thoughts of the days ahead.
And for each day I shall supply the wisdom and the strength." --God Calling, ed. by A. J. Russell
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3 comments:
For a while, I seriously thought I was the only one whose mind works perpetually in worst-case scenarios.
Thanks for sharing your ponderings & the reading. :-)
Ahh... sweet friend, how I love to see the wrestlings unfold onto the keyboard...
ps. if a tornado hits you want to avoid windows - I suggest your bedroom closet. :)
~Jules
Wow.
Second, feel free to include me in any emergency response plans where it seems appropriate. It seems to me that you might be able to increase the apparent security by extending along these lines: "baseball bat by my bed, a big knife in the kitchen, and secret hideouts to wait for the 6'8" giant a few minutes away".
Hearing your heart never ceases to amaze me. You have an amazing gift for sharing what is real and important to you, and bringing others into it. Thank you for reminding me of my fears, and thank you for reminding me that they are unfounded.
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