a song

my brother gave winn and me an itunes gift card for christmas, so i've been downloading some tunes lately. i’m particularly enjoying howie day’s collide, john mayer’s say, and colbie caillat’s magic.

but the song that is playing in my mind so much these days is a song we've sung at church several times called how he loves, written by john mark mcmillan. he wrote this song the day after his best friend steven died, and you can hear him tell the story on youtube. It’s a powerful song born out of heartbreak and hope.

I absolutely love and savor the images in the song:

loves like a hurricane
i am a tree bending beneath the weight of
his wind and mercy

if grace is an ocean we’re all sinking

when heaven meets earth like a sloppy, wet kiss

but the lines that get me every time are these:

i don’t have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way
he loves us

boy, do I maintain my regrets—in the sense of maintaining a garden or a beloved plant. I tend, prune, nurture, only there’s nothing beautiful or life-giving about it. my self-doubts and self-recriminations take up a good bit of space inside me, although thankfully, God is slowly and incrementally reclaiming that space. as i sing and listen to these lines, i am pulled up and out of my small self and into the magnificent Love that is God. I stop obsessing, if even just for a moment, about my own damn self and am bathed in God's deep, abiding love for me and this world. once again, i am reminded that life is not a story about me, and a sweet, surprising freedom rushes in.

the soundtrack in my mind for the past several days has been this song. i think maybe, just maybe God’s trying to tell me something.