there's a for sale sign in my front yard.
i don't quite know how i feel about that. i suppose bittersweet is the word. i know it's time for change since it seems evident that God is moving us along (to charlottesville, va, for those of you who don't know), and i'm truly excited about that. but i also know that i've sunk my roots pretty deep into this red clay, into our one-of-a-kind church community, and into this plot of ground on east camelia lane.
i've lived a lot of life here in this house o' mine. this is where i became a mother and where we brought our baby boys after they were born. this is where winn and i clawed our way back to each other after the tumultuous disruption of having children, when we were as distant from each other as we've ever been. this is where wyatt and seth learned to crawl, walk, talk, talk back, dance, where they've grown into the crazy, exuberant, alive little people they are today.
and oh, the conversations i've had here over the past six years! rich, beautiful conversations with people brave enough and honest enough to share their mess, their brokenness, their joy, their tears and raucous laughter. these are the conversations i love most in the world, and the people who have offered themselves in this way have given me a gift beyond measure.
it's here in this house that i've felt the full gamut of life: the sorrow of loss; bright flashes of joy; that keen, doubled-over feeling of loneliness; sweet companionship; the dark blue of depression; mind-numbing fear; tenacious love; the fragile spark of hope; the rich sense of life happening all around and within me. such a unique mix of love and grief.
it is here, with these walls as witness, where i've become more of who i really am. what a long and arduous process that is! brings to mind the story of eustace, the boy who turns into a dragon in c.s. lewis' book the voyage of the dawn treader. he scrapes and scratches off layer after layer of dragon skin in an effort to find himself again, until finally aslan shows up and takes his big claws and rips that obstinate outer shell away. what is left is delicate, pink flesh that aslan then baptizes in a pool of cool, refreshing water.
the things about this house that i've cursed at over the years are becoming dear to me now, as my time here draws to a close. these walls have encompassed me in my journey. this house has been a haven.
it is never a small thing to leave the place you've called home.
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7 comments:
I think bittersweet is the right word... Moving and change is such a difficult thing to do even when you want to and know it's the right thing to do. I've had the pleasure of being in your home and part of some of those conversations and I'm going to miss it as well. The cool thing is that your family, which is responsible for making most of those memories, will be with you in the next place you call home. My hope and prayer for you is that after you move, get settled into life and make new memories you'll be able to look back on this home and memories and it won't feel so bittersweet. Look forward to visiting you in VA some day!
I cursed so many things about our NYC home--the high price for a TINY one bedroom, the 4 steps and double doors into the apartment, the pealing lead paint, the nonexistant sunlight, the barking dogs at 4 am--but yet, I cried when we left. Now we are in our new home and I still have a little piece of emptiness for our old home. I'm still me and this is still my family--we're just geographically a little different.
It is crazy seeing that house since its probably 4 years since I saw it in person. I'll never forget the first time I went to Wed House Church there into a house literally filled with people I'd never met before. A year later we all sat in your garage ruining Andy Heck's beautifully designed worship/family/kingdom cups trying to paint in the lines. Every year or so when we get back to DCF I look up at those cups hanging from the ceiling and ALWAYS see where I went out of the lines.....there's a parable in that story somewhere.
miska - i am a reader of your blog, a random visitor who happened across it and decided to stay awhile. i had to comment after this latest post of yours. i am a native virginian from fairfax, near the DC area, but i think you will love charlottesville - it is beautiful! also, your reference to voyage of the dawn treader brought to mind one of my most favorite songs ever! aslan, by kendall payne. the whole last verse talks about the story of shedding skin. i think you may like it given the bittersweet circumstances you find yourself in. thank you for speaking your mind and your heart however raw it all may be in this blog. you often voice what i feel - i often read your struggles, your questions, your emotions and think....me too.
thank you!
aahh... sweet memories made, life changing conversations, delicious cookies, divine teas.. and who can forget the unforgettable wrestling matches and kiddo tricks...
yes, you are a writer, friend! i thank you for it.
i've been meaning to say how cute i think your house is, and cute is a compliment. i LOVE the front porch.
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